I want my confidence back

**Warning: TMI post on female issues** you have been warned

A few years ago I had to have a full abdominal hysterectomy much to my dismay. Though we were sure that our child birthing days were over it hurt to have to give up what was one of my most essential woman parts. The womb that grew my 2 amazing daughters. But as time went on after having my children things just weren't working properly and I was heading towards more serious troubles so the decision was made.

One other problem I was dealing with at the same time, was mild to moderate incontinence due to who knows. But the specialist performing the hysterectomy decided she would put a "tape" on the tubing leading to the bladder to stop the leaking and I was THRILLED! After my long and very painful recovery (6 weeks) I thought that all had taken nicely and healing was on the right track. I remember talking to one of my nurses on my 3rd and final day in the hospital about how much money we were going to save not having to purchase pads and the freedom of no more periods ever! It helped to lift my spirits during my silent mourning.

Here we are years later and unfortunately the leaking has returned. I've gone to see one specialist a little over a year ago who wasn't sure if it were bad enough yet and told me to contact them whenever I got to a point I couldn't take it anymore and wanted surgery or something like that. From that point I figured I would just try and deal with it. Go to the restroom more, try out those Poise pads. But here's the thing, I am enjoying my "Freedom from the Pad" where I had to wear something for a week once a month only to trade off to EVERY day? That hardly seems fair. The discomfort and embarrassment (well silent embarrassment because I haven't shared this with anyone until now) is starting to over take my thoughts, my moods and dammit it's getting pretty depressing. I'm struggling with whether or not to contact the urologist and have a serious heart to heart with him about my options. If we agree that I just need to accept my current situation and change my thoughts on it, I will I'm just not in a place yet where I can feel that way.

With my joint problems, arthritis, fatigue, etc I'm already feeling old beyond my years and that scares me. What will be my quality of life in my 50s? 60s? If I'm already struggling at 39? So I'm feeling the urge to dispense with the tough-guy routine and go to my doctors and say I can't hack this I want to feel confident, strong, well and not worry or feel like I want to hide. Fix-ME! please?

I release my wishes into the universe to go with confidence forward in seeking relief and peace of mind.

in love and light
Anna