Absence made my heart grow fonder - update

Greetings,

It has been a looonnngg time since I've blogged and I'm not sorry because I lost all interest in reading, writing or even acknowledging the blogging process. I was otherwise busy, distracted and at times even ill.
But I feel a resurgence of interest and need to express my thoughts, feelings if to no one else but myself via this venue.

When you get lost in life a lot happens. First you become to consumed or at least I became to consumed in worrying about what everyone else thinks, then once realizing it, resenting them for putting that pressure on me and myself for allowing it to become so important. But life is a constant learning process and thank goodness I don't give up so easily. So I'm fighting back against my need to please others and to be "normal" in their eyes. Bring on the "weird quirkyness" depends on who you speak to I don't agree with that label, that is ME!

Second I was lost in the competition of who's home is the most clean, organized and runs like a well-oiled machine. I use to pride myself on my understood disorganization, my lack of straight-line storage in a small 3 bedroom 1 bathroom ranch that houses a couple, their adult daughter and crawling grand daughter along with 2 cats, 1 pint sized chihuahua, a rat and now six fish (rest in peace to our last gecko last week). That I know where to find most anything. When you need it not only is it ready to go, but it is also cleaned and smelling great. :-) Somehow I allowed the pesky voice to sneak into my ear and tell me how messy and unfit I am as a mom/happy housewife and my pain/fatigue and lack of scheduling my time when away from work to hard core clean and organize has resulted in "this" (said with an upturned nosed and frowning brow). Which in actuality, is bull pucky! Yes I could perk up my house a little more but I am happy with it. We are in no danger of any plague or vermin attacking us in our sleep, in the basement or elsewhere on the grounds due to disgusting-ness and nasty icky yucky... in fact our home is quite clean just not spic and span.

I go on and on to say I was in a funk based on what others say and think and no longer owning my life for what it is... perfect for me! I love it <3 so now that I'm back on an upswing and celebrating the return of the sun (Happy Yule and Merry Solstice (late) to you all). I am pursuing an education as a midwife for starters :-) have been pouring over programs and feel I will be best served by a program called "Midwife to Be" starting next month! I'm also crocheting again, meditating regularly, actively pursuing home improvements one at a time as we can afford it and who knows what's next but I'm enjoying this revival and feel that I'm finally getting the strength I need to acknowledge and pursue my dreams and interests.

This new outlook and drive I give credit to death. Yes, death. Last year beginning the holiday season our family lost 5 people whom I love dearly in less than 6 months. 1 happened a week before Christmas and even more devastating, another happened on Christmas day. This year we all as a family struggled to get in the holly jolly spirit with the anniversaries looming over us only to lose 3 more loved ones. I was first a little pissed off at death. I thought based on the talk we had last year that it was agreed upon that the holidays were off limits, but I guess that's what I get for thinking I could cut a deal with death. That's never how it works. So I meditated and cried, and cried and meditated on it. I resolved that it's about life and that now what is left for me to do is to live it, love it and to celebrate those gone before me because their lives brought great joy, understanding and many lessons that I can now add to help guide me. :-) That's blessings in abundance.

I leave you with a wonderful picture taken of my grand daughter while we were putting up our tree this year. Have a wonderfully blessed day/night

me :-)

Wishcasting Wednesday Nourishment

Greetings :-)

Today Jamie Ridler has asked in this week's segment of Wishcasting Wednesday:

"How do you wish to nourish yourself?"

definition nourish: To provide with food or other substances necessary for life and growth.

I didn't want to focus on food/vitamin/mineral nourishment. So I'm thankful I decided to look up the definition.

I wish to nourish myself with time. Time to enjoy what the hectic pace of life has taken away. Or I should say what I've allowed a hectic life to take away.

It is time I faced up to the truth that I allow too many distractions and stress (that I allow) to keep me running around with my head cut off trying to please the world and not so much ME. So I right now face it, own it and work to change it.

I wish to nourish myself with a more simplified and organized life. Where there's time to just sit and read, crochet, play on my laptop, watch movies, laugh and talk with friends and family. 

I wish to nourish myself with time for meditation, prayer and self education.

I wish to nourish myself with time to grow relationships that bring me joy and nourish my spirit.

Thanks Jamie for such a wonderful reminder.

in peace

Anna :-)

Immersion

Wishcasting Wednesday

It's that time!

This week Jamie asks

"What do you wish to immerse yourself in?"

I wish to immerse myself in confidence. 

           to feel confident in myself to:

go outside of my box and learn new things

                                               to continue to grow and learn in my interests

      confident to dance freely                   speak freely                

interact with Spirit freely     

                               to release myself from the chains of the need for mainstream acceptance

because who I am, what I believe and what I want/desire is important

I wish to immerse myself in confidence... confidence... confidence

I am confident in me that I am worth living the life I want to live (I wish)

blessings

Anna

Waiting on the A-Ha!

This week has been one of my most painful weeks yet, with yesterday and today being the worse. It's starting to wear on my nerves and I'm having those thoughts of quitting my job. Is my body/quality of life worth the very good pay I get? (And did I mention it's only Tuesday?). I have neck pain, shoulder pain, pain up and down my spine, my wrists, hands, fingers, arms, shoulders (especially the right that has now started clicking - great), hips, lower back, knees, ankles and feet. The joints are in an uproar now that I do pretty much ALL heavy lifting or repetitive lifting/throwing of parcels at work everyday.

There's always the trade off of working the afternoons and not having to do the breakdown from the trucks but I DESPISE that idea more than my family does. I've always loved being able to come home early in the day and get things done and spend time with my loved ones. When I close I feel I miss so much because that is the time of day they are here and lively.

I already know what my rheumatologist thinks... STOP doing that job there's no way of getting out of what you do while there. Of course she totally understands that I can't just leave without a backup plan. Therefore she tries to keep me well covered to manage pain. I just hate it.

The thoughts of becoming a doula and/or a midwife often dance just out of reach because I would love it and  I have all of these ideas of how I would apply it and give back to my community (the teenage mother community I was once a part of). But then the fears of coming up with the extra $$, whether or not I would SUCK at managing my own business, etc seep in and I file it in the back of my brain in the file cabinet to the left of the one that's covered in dust and cobwebs filled with dreams long lost and gone forever. The one to the left has those dreams I still consider obtainable like raising goats and chickens, moving to a larger piece of land and having solar panels on my home. :-)

so now I'm waiting on my breaking point ... my a-HA moment as Oprah would call it that gives me the boost I need. I just hope I'm ready when that time comes.

peace and love <3
Anna

I want my confidence back

**Warning: TMI post on female issues** you have been warned

A few years ago I had to have a full abdominal hysterectomy much to my dismay. Though we were sure that our child birthing days were over it hurt to have to give up what was one of my most essential woman parts. The womb that grew my 2 amazing daughters. But as time went on after having my children things just weren't working properly and I was heading towards more serious troubles so the decision was made.

One other problem I was dealing with at the same time, was mild to moderate incontinence due to who knows. But the specialist performing the hysterectomy decided she would put a "tape" on the tubing leading to the bladder to stop the leaking and I was THRILLED! After my long and very painful recovery (6 weeks) I thought that all had taken nicely and healing was on the right track. I remember talking to one of my nurses on my 3rd and final day in the hospital about how much money we were going to save not having to purchase pads and the freedom of no more periods ever! It helped to lift my spirits during my silent mourning.

Here we are years later and unfortunately the leaking has returned. I've gone to see one specialist a little over a year ago who wasn't sure if it were bad enough yet and told me to contact them whenever I got to a point I couldn't take it anymore and wanted surgery or something like that. From that point I figured I would just try and deal with it. Go to the restroom more, try out those Poise pads. But here's the thing, I am enjoying my "Freedom from the Pad" where I had to wear something for a week once a month only to trade off to EVERY day? That hardly seems fair. The discomfort and embarrassment (well silent embarrassment because I haven't shared this with anyone until now) is starting to over take my thoughts, my moods and dammit it's getting pretty depressing. I'm struggling with whether or not to contact the urologist and have a serious heart to heart with him about my options. If we agree that I just need to accept my current situation and change my thoughts on it, I will I'm just not in a place yet where I can feel that way.

With my joint problems, arthritis, fatigue, etc I'm already feeling old beyond my years and that scares me. What will be my quality of life in my 50s? 60s? If I'm already struggling at 39? So I'm feeling the urge to dispense with the tough-guy routine and go to my doctors and say I can't hack this I want to feel confident, strong, well and not worry or feel like I want to hide. Fix-ME! please?

I release my wishes into the universe to go with confidence forward in seeking relief and peace of mind.

in love and light
Anna

Altar-ed state of mind

Today looking around the house at the Fall decor :-) I start to feel the need to get my spiritual environment back into shape. The house has been in a constant flow of change and movement with the grandbaby :-) addition as well as life in general, work, hot weather, etc etc just haven't felt settled and relaxed in a long while.

So I plan to focus tonight on a open location and tomorrow work on a personal altar then later this week work on restructuring my kitchen altar. I'm very excited though I'm pretty much out of candles and incense which are for me very important.

What's interesting is whenever someone is ill in the home I use the well known chant "Magic mend and candle burn, sickness leave good health return." with a candle, etc you know. Well I bought this new dry erase board for the refrigerator and last week when my daughter was under the weather I drew a candle on it, lit of course, and wrote the chant on the board. After saying it a few times I was reminded to every time I entered the kitchen. It was different and I liked the energy built up to aid in my request. Just goes to show you don't have to have any fancy-shmancy tools though they are fun and look cool and hey I love them too. But intention and focus!

** Look out for pictures to come.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, looking forward to tomorrow's Wishcasting Wednesday!

Light and Love
Anna

Harvest Moon Blessings and a quick catch up :-)

Greetings, happy Monday and Blessed Full Moon! It's the Harvest Moon and I got a glimpse of it this morning coming into work, so beautiful! It explains all of the psychic chatter I'm getting at night these passed few days keeping me awake.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but things have been a little hectic here and I've been a little high strung or call it like it is... Bitchy! I can't totally blame that on the moon. Just basic household worries with well EVERYTHING needing to be fixed/updated on top of trying to make sure all bills get paid. Sometimes the struggle proves to be more than I can handle emotionally. We always get by and life takes care of itself and I have to be reminded of that. Was hoping today would bring me back to my happy, relaxed joyful self when a very heavy mail day coupled with less than adequate help triggered some serious pains I haven't dealt with in weeks. I have this piercing jolting horrible pain that sometimes shoots across my hips and that happened today. Made me have to catch my breath and of course I started to cry (slyly) while still sorting packages. My boss asked if I were ok and I said I'm fine just give me a minute. Usually this pain when it starts happens all throughout the day :-( but I took my pain meds and muscle relaxers just 10 minutes before that hit and I haven't had another in 3 hours so I'm hoping it won't return but definitely plan to stay on top of my meds today for pain maintenance.

***

In other news I'm enjoying my reconnect with Mother Earth, meditation, chanting, etc... It's what keeps me centered and strong.

The house is starting to look like a fall wonderland with most of the decorations up. I bought some new books yesterday I can't remember the titles off hand but a lot of great rituals and candle work. Pictures to soon follow as I settle into my favorite time of the year.

Question how are you preparing for Fall? 

Many blessings of love and light to you all

Anna