Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Absence made my heart grow fonder - update


It has been a looonnngg time since I've blogged and I'm not sorry because I lost all interest in reading, writing or even acknowledging the blogging process. I was otherwise busy, distracted and at times even ill.
But I feel a resurgence of interest and need to express my thoughts, feelings if to no one else but myself via this venue.

When you get lost in life a lot happens. First you become to consumed or at least I became to consumed in worrying about what everyone else thinks, then once realizing it, resenting them for putting that pressure on me and myself for allowing it to become so important. But life is a constant learning process and thank goodness I don't give up so easily. So I'm fighting back against my need to please others and to be "normal" in their eyes. Bring on the "weird quirkyness" depends on who you speak to I don't agree with that label, that is ME!

Second I was lost in the competition of who's home is the most clean, organized and runs like a well-oiled machine. I use to pride myself on my understood disorganization, my lack of straight-line storage in a small 3 bedroom 1 bathroom ranch that houses a couple, their adult daughter and crawling grand daughter along with 2 cats, 1 pint sized chihuahua, a rat and now six fish (rest in peace to our last gecko last week). That I know where to find most anything. When you need it not only is it ready to go, but it is also cleaned and smelling great. :-) Somehow I allowed the pesky voice to sneak into my ear and tell me how messy and unfit I am as a mom/happy housewife and my pain/fatigue and lack of scheduling my time when away from work to hard core clean and organize has resulted in "this" (said with an upturned nosed and frowning brow). Which in actuality, is bull pucky! Yes I could perk up my house a little more but I am happy with it. We are in no danger of any plague or vermin attacking us in our sleep, in the basement or elsewhere on the grounds due to disgusting-ness and nasty icky yucky... in fact our home is quite clean just not spic and span.

I go on and on to say I was in a funk based on what others say and think and no longer owning my life for what it is... perfect for me! I love it <3 so now that I'm back on an upswing and celebrating the return of the sun (Happy Yule and Merry Solstice (late) to you all). I am pursuing an education as a midwife for starters :-) have been pouring over programs and feel I will be best served by a program called "Midwife to Be" starting next month! I'm also crocheting again, meditating regularly, actively pursuing home improvements one at a time as we can afford it and who knows what's next but I'm enjoying this revival and feel that I'm finally getting the strength I need to acknowledge and pursue my dreams and interests.

This new outlook and drive I give credit to death. Yes, death. Last year beginning the holiday season our family lost 5 people whom I love dearly in less than 6 months. 1 happened a week before Christmas and even more devastating, another happened on Christmas day. This year we all as a family struggled to get in the holly jolly spirit with the anniversaries looming over us only to lose 3 more loved ones. I was first a little pissed off at death. I thought based on the talk we had last year that it was agreed upon that the holidays were off limits, but I guess that's what I get for thinking I could cut a deal with death. That's never how it works. So I meditated and cried, and cried and meditated on it. I resolved that it's about life and that now what is left for me to do is to live it, love it and to celebrate those gone before me because their lives brought great joy, understanding and many lessons that I can now add to help guide me. :-) That's blessings in abundance.

I leave you with a wonderful picture taken of my grand daughter while we were putting up our tree this year. Have a wonderfully blessed day/night

me :-)