Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Absence made my heart grow fonder - update


It has been a looonnngg time since I've blogged and I'm not sorry because I lost all interest in reading, writing or even acknowledging the blogging process. I was otherwise busy, distracted and at times even ill.
But I feel a resurgence of interest and need to express my thoughts, feelings if to no one else but myself via this venue.

When you get lost in life a lot happens. First you become to consumed or at least I became to consumed in worrying about what everyone else thinks, then once realizing it, resenting them for putting that pressure on me and myself for allowing it to become so important. But life is a constant learning process and thank goodness I don't give up so easily. So I'm fighting back against my need to please others and to be "normal" in their eyes. Bring on the "weird quirkyness" depends on who you speak to I don't agree with that label, that is ME!

Second I was lost in the competition of who's home is the most clean, organized and runs like a well-oiled machine. I use to pride myself on my understood disorganization, my lack of straight-line storage in a small 3 bedroom 1 bathroom ranch that houses a couple, their adult daughter and crawling grand daughter along with 2 cats, 1 pint sized chihuahua, a rat and now six fish (rest in peace to our last gecko last week). That I know where to find most anything. When you need it not only is it ready to go, but it is also cleaned and smelling great. :-) Somehow I allowed the pesky voice to sneak into my ear and tell me how messy and unfit I am as a mom/happy housewife and my pain/fatigue and lack of scheduling my time when away from work to hard core clean and organize has resulted in "this" (said with an upturned nosed and frowning brow). Which in actuality, is bull pucky! Yes I could perk up my house a little more but I am happy with it. We are in no danger of any plague or vermin attacking us in our sleep, in the basement or elsewhere on the grounds due to disgusting-ness and nasty icky yucky... in fact our home is quite clean just not spic and span.

I go on and on to say I was in a funk based on what others say and think and no longer owning my life for what it is... perfect for me! I love it <3 so now that I'm back on an upswing and celebrating the return of the sun (Happy Yule and Merry Solstice (late) to you all). I am pursuing an education as a midwife for starters :-) have been pouring over programs and feel I will be best served by a program called "Midwife to Be" starting next month! I'm also crocheting again, meditating regularly, actively pursuing home improvements one at a time as we can afford it and who knows what's next but I'm enjoying this revival and feel that I'm finally getting the strength I need to acknowledge and pursue my dreams and interests.

This new outlook and drive I give credit to death. Yes, death. Last year beginning the holiday season our family lost 5 people whom I love dearly in less than 6 months. 1 happened a week before Christmas and even more devastating, another happened on Christmas day. This year we all as a family struggled to get in the holly jolly spirit with the anniversaries looming over us only to lose 3 more loved ones. I was first a little pissed off at death. I thought based on the talk we had last year that it was agreed upon that the holidays were off limits, but I guess that's what I get for thinking I could cut a deal with death. That's never how it works. So I meditated and cried, and cried and meditated on it. I resolved that it's about life and that now what is left for me to do is to live it, love it and to celebrate those gone before me because their lives brought great joy, understanding and many lessons that I can now add to help guide me. :-) That's blessings in abundance.

I leave you with a wonderful picture taken of my grand daughter while we were putting up our tree this year. Have a wonderfully blessed day/night

me :-)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Wishcasting Wednesday Nourishment

Greetings :-)

Today Jamie Ridler has asked in this week's segment of Wishcasting Wednesday:

"How do you wish to nourish yourself?"

definition nourish: To provide with food or other substances necessary for life and growth.

I didn't want to focus on food/vitamin/mineral nourishment. So I'm thankful I decided to look up the definition.

I wish to nourish myself with time. Time to enjoy what the hectic pace of life has taken away. Or I should say what I've allowed a hectic life to take away.

It is time I faced up to the truth that I allow too many distractions and stress (that I allow) to keep me running around with my head cut off trying to please the world and not so much ME. So I right now face it, own it and work to change it.

I wish to nourish myself with a more simplified and organized life. Where there's time to just sit and read, crochet, play on my laptop, watch movies, laugh and talk with friends and family. 

I wish to nourish myself with time for meditation, prayer and self education.

I wish to nourish myself with time to grow relationships that bring me joy and nourish my spirit.

Thanks Jamie for such a wonderful reminder.

in peace
Anna :-)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


It's that time!
This week Jamie asks

"What do you wish to immerse yourself in?"

I wish to immerse myself in confidence. 
           to feel confident in myself to:

go outside of my box and learn new things

                                               to continue to grow and learn in my interests

      confident to dance freely                   speak freely                

interact with Spirit freely     
                               to release myself from the chains of the need for mainstream acceptance

because who I am, what I believe and what I want/desire is important

I wish to immerse myself in confidence... confidence... confidence

I am confident in me that I am worth living the life I want to live (I wish)


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Waiting on the A-Ha!

This week has been one of my most painful weeks yet, with yesterday and today being the worse. It's starting to wear on my nerves and I'm having those thoughts of quitting my job. Is my body/quality of life worth the very good pay I get? (And did I mention it's only Tuesday?). I have neck pain, shoulder pain, pain up and down my spine, my wrists, hands, fingers, arms, shoulders (especially the right that has now started clicking - great), hips, lower back, knees, ankles and feet. The joints are in an uproar now that I do pretty much ALL heavy lifting or repetitive lifting/throwing of parcels at work everyday.

There's always the trade off of working the afternoons and not having to do the breakdown from the trucks but I DESPISE that idea more than my family does. I've always loved being able to come home early in the day and get things done and spend time with my loved ones. When I close I feel I miss so much because that is the time of day they are here and lively.

I already know what my rheumatologist thinks... STOP doing that job there's no way of getting out of what you do while there. Of course she totally understands that I can't just leave without a backup plan. Therefore she tries to keep me well covered to manage pain. I just hate it.

The thoughts of becoming a doula and/or a midwife often dance just out of reach because I would love it and  I have all of these ideas of how I would apply it and give back to my community (the teenage mother community I was once a part of). But then the fears of coming up with the extra $$, whether or not I would SUCK at managing my own business, etc seep in and I file it in the back of my brain in the file cabinet to the left of the one that's covered in dust and cobwebs filled with dreams long lost and gone forever. The one to the left has those dreams I still consider obtainable like raising goats and chickens, moving to a larger piece of land and having solar panels on my home. :-)

so now I'm waiting on my breaking point ... my a-HA moment as Oprah would call it that gives me the boost I need. I just hope I'm ready when that time comes.

peace and love <3

Monday, September 19, 2011

I want my confidence back

**Warning: TMI post on female issues** you have been warned

A few years ago I had to have a full abdominal hysterectomy much to my dismay. Though we were sure that our child birthing days were over it hurt to have to give up what was one of my most essential woman parts. The womb that grew my 2 amazing daughters. But as time went on after having my children things just weren't working properly and I was heading towards more serious troubles so the decision was made.

One other problem I was dealing with at the same time, was mild to moderate incontinence due to who knows. But the specialist performing the hysterectomy decided she would put a "tape" on the tubing leading to the bladder to stop the leaking and I was THRILLED! After my long and very painful recovery (6 weeks) I thought that all had taken nicely and healing was on the right track. I remember talking to one of my nurses on my 3rd and final day in the hospital about how much money we were going to save not having to purchase pads and the freedom of no more periods ever! It helped to lift my spirits during my silent mourning.

Here we are years later and unfortunately the leaking has returned. I've gone to see one specialist a little over a year ago who wasn't sure if it were bad enough yet and told me to contact them whenever I got to a point I couldn't take it anymore and wanted surgery or something like that. From that point I figured I would just try and deal with it. Go to the restroom more, try out those Poise pads. But here's the thing, I am enjoying my "Freedom from the Pad" where I had to wear something for a week once a month only to trade off to EVERY day? That hardly seems fair. The discomfort and embarrassment (well silent embarrassment because I haven't shared this with anyone until now) is starting to over take my thoughts, my moods and dammit it's getting pretty depressing. I'm struggling with whether or not to contact the urologist and have a serious heart to heart with him about my options. If we agree that I just need to accept my current situation and change my thoughts on it, I will I'm just not in a place yet where I can feel that way.

With my joint problems, arthritis, fatigue, etc I'm already feeling old beyond my years and that scares me. What will be my quality of life in my 50s? 60s? If I'm already struggling at 39? So I'm feeling the urge to dispense with the tough-guy routine and go to my doctors and say I can't hack this I want to feel confident, strong, well and not worry or feel like I want to hide. Fix-ME! please?

I release my wishes into the universe to go with confidence forward in seeking relief and peace of mind.

in love and light

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Altar-ed state of mind

Today looking around the house at the Fall decor :-) I start to feel the need to get my spiritual environment back into shape. The house has been in a constant flow of change and movement with the grandbaby :-) addition as well as life in general, work, hot weather, etc etc just haven't felt settled and relaxed in a long while.

So I plan to focus tonight on a open location and tomorrow work on a personal altar then later this week work on restructuring my kitchen altar. I'm very excited though I'm pretty much out of candles and incense which are for me very important.

What's interesting is whenever someone is ill in the home I use the well known chant "Magic mend and candle burn, sickness leave good health return." with a candle, etc you know. Well I bought this new dry erase board for the refrigerator and last week when my daughter was under the weather I drew a candle on it, lit of course, and wrote the chant on the board. After saying it a few times I was reminded to every time I entered the kitchen. It was different and I liked the energy built up to aid in my request. Just goes to show you don't have to have any fancy-shmancy tools though they are fun and look cool and hey I love them too. But intention and focus!

** Look out for pictures to come.

Have a wonderful Tuesday, looking forward to tomorrow's Wishcasting Wednesday!

Light and Love

Monday, September 12, 2011

Harvest Moon Blessings and a quick catch up :-)

Greetings, happy Monday and Blessed Full Moon! It's the Harvest Moon and I got a glimpse of it this morning coming into work, so beautiful! It explains all of the psychic chatter I'm getting at night these passed few days keeping me awake.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but things have been a little hectic here and I've been a little high strung or call it like it is... Bitchy! I can't totally blame that on the moon. Just basic household worries with well EVERYTHING needing to be fixed/updated on top of trying to make sure all bills get paid. Sometimes the struggle proves to be more than I can handle emotionally. We always get by and life takes care of itself and I have to be reminded of that. Was hoping today would bring me back to my happy, relaxed joyful self when a very heavy mail day coupled with less than adequate help triggered some serious pains I haven't dealt with in weeks. I have this piercing jolting horrible pain that sometimes shoots across my hips and that happened today. Made me have to catch my breath and of course I started to cry (slyly) while still sorting packages. My boss asked if I were ok and I said I'm fine just give me a minute. Usually this pain when it starts happens all throughout the day :-( but I took my pain meds and muscle relaxers just 10 minutes before that hit and I haven't had another in 3 hours so I'm hoping it won't return but definitely plan to stay on top of my meds today for pain maintenance.


In other news I'm enjoying my reconnect with Mother Earth, meditation, chanting, etc... It's what keeps me centered and strong.

The house is starting to look like a fall wonderland with most of the decorations up. I bought some new books yesterday I can't remember the titles off hand but a lot of great rituals and candle work. Pictures to soon follow as I settle into my favorite time of the year.

Question how are you preparing for Fall? 

Many blessings of love and light to you all

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sunday Worship Breaking Bread

Yesterday I stopped at a local farmer's market on my way back to work. Purchased from a local organic farm's stand some delicious smelling New England Cinnamon loaf bread which he sold me on by saying.. "It makes perfect French toast."

He was right

Spent a wonderful quiet morning enjoying this treat with my wonderful husband taking in all my blessings and breathing it all in. 

Life is good

peace and love

Thursday, September 1, 2011

My dream kitchen

It is time to take the horse by the reigns and find a way to slowly but surely transform my home that my family and I have lived in for going on 19 years now to my dream. My husband wants to move away and start in a new home. Which I kinda would agree to, but I also like that we're practically finished paying for this one and with both of our daughters now grown and only 1 left at home (planning on a move soon) I think we could make this house "our" (my ideas though, lol) own and just live here happily! So I'm thinking of starting with my kitchen which DESPERATELY needs an update.

My inspiration is 100% Practical Magic, now my kitchen is NOT that big but I think it would be cozy and beautiful in a smaller version, don't you?

I want to imitate the cabinetry possibly with the glass haven't decided yet, and the dark floor I don't think I could get planks that wide for a cheap price so I would go with the you install interlocking wood panels which my father just put in his kitchen so I know someone who would help me get it done!

I do NOT have that type of stove. Mine is a white more modern deal. I would need to put a vent over it and I think just use the cabinets over, and the tile (something like that) around! That too would take a "daddy please" help plea but I think I can get him to do it.

So there you go my wish for a magickal kitchen where I will be inspired to concoct and celebrate the hearth of our home! 

I believe in speaking in agreement what I want in life out loud and even here to put into motion in the universe.

What home dream projects do you have in mind? Please share and pictures or maybe you have already made your home dream projects come true!! Please share :-)

Light and Love 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Wishcasting Wednesday "NO!"

Jamie has a good one for us today

"What do I wish to say 'NO' to?"

What I'm saying is...

I wish I could say "NO" to stress and worries. I'm a mom and a grandmom and well it comes with the territory. For the most part I've learned to trust my children in their life decisions with full support. I make myself available to them if they need to talk anything over get a different point of view with NO judgement!

I wish I could say "NO" to WORK that is working for others. I'm not sure if I have the drive anymore to pursue working for myself. I think I would become a doula and eventually a midwife but right now FEAR (going to add that to my pictorial NO list) has got the best of me the whole what about the future and money etc... 

I wish I could say "NO" to Consumerism. Though I do think I am pretty good about it I know I could save myself even MORE money and time by simplifying my lifestyle.

I wish I could say "NO" to PAIN... UGH!! That's a big one. But dealing with this whole hypermobile joints syndrome and osteoarthritis I'm starting to realize that pain is a part of my daily norm now it's just a matter of how much and what I can do to manage it.

now to add FEAR I want it gone it holds me back WAAAYYYY too often!

Enjoy your day
love and peace

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

If I had a nickel every time...

I stated I wish I didn't have to work, I wouldn't have to work.

My job is not a difficult one and it pays well. But it's very physical and does a doozie on my joints and if someone calls in, you're screwed. I miss being able to work a set unchanging schedule with no consequences if someone doesn't come into work and no guilt if you can't make it in. Also I actually enjoy my co-workers and the customers 90% of the time which based on what I hear/read of a lot of people and their job experiences I'm pretty lucky!

Our children are adults now living their own lives and not needing our constant care/guidance. Which usually means a mom wants to get a job, maybe volunteer, etc etc... I don't. I would rather stay home. Redecorate, read books, garden, cook, play my violin, craft... enjoy time with my husband :-) Now the question is, how do I make that happen? With the current state of the postal service I can't say I feel 100% comfortable with my job's future.

Well with all of that out of my system I will continue showing up at work as expected Monday - Saturday with a smile and pain meds in my purse. Hopefully someday I will work out the specifics, or find a new appreciation for my new life as an empty nester.

Peace and love to you all

Friday, August 26, 2011

How do you like your homeless?

Today at work a conversation started up about some of the local homeless who are seen regularly on the streets holding signs. Mostly asking for money, food, work for exchange or just simple personal supplies like soap and towels. A coworker commented about a woman seen recently sitting down, holding up one of these signs and talking on her cell phone. They were appalled that she had a cell phone and was asking for money. Of course I opened my mouth (usually to insert foot, but this time I had a point). I stated that there are companies and programs out there that offer free cell phones and some that offer plans for under $10 a month. She may be able to afford to pay that but rent, bills, groceries, etc are a lot more expensive. It is possible that phone is to keep up with loved ones and sometimes when going through such a hard time you need to be able to reach out, especially if she had children. Also, it's good for emergencies, if you're living on the streets or squatting from place to place you can definitely get into some serious situations. Someone commented that she was talking to her pimp or drug dealer. Which is possible too. But maybe a pimp is her only alternative way to get money and her dealer is her only way to get away from the nightmare she's living in.

It made me think. How do people like their homeless? Smelly, dirty torn clothes, missing teeth, dragging their bodies on the ground begging for food and water? Quiet hidden under bridges so they don't have to see or deal with them? Do we forget that people from any background can end up in this situation? It is possible to run into a homeless person wearing Prada it may be all the clothing they have, but they have it. They be clean, shaven, have good dental health, a cell phone, bike and "gasp!" even a JOB.

There has always been a way to end up without. Without a home and without the funds to acquire a place to stay. No one you can count on to help you out. Possibly a mental, drug or domestic issue that has landed you in a very difficult situation. Is it more difficult for society to want to help you if you look too "nice"?? -- the idea frightens me.

I wish we just helped others out to just help others out. There shouldn't be requirements on what you do with the monies I put in your cup and if I am caught up on that then maybe I should try to help/give if I can by giving food, water, soap, towels. "Get a Job" just doesn't cut it, it may have been easy for you and other people in your circle, but that does not automatically mean it is for EVERYONE. Now especially there are not enough jobs to go around and many companies do not want to hire older folks they want the younger people who will take less pay, less benefits and have more knowledge about how things "work" now. 

So please take the time to think about that person you see who's down on their luck and though it seems like the answers to their woes are easy for you to grasp, don't assume it is for them and that alone is not a reason that they should suffer without basic life necessities and safety.

Light and love
Anna <3

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Woman Am I, Blessed Am I

From the CD Circle of Women
A great chant/song
Today's affirmation

Woman Am I, spirit am I
I am the infinite with in my soul
I have no beginning and I have no end

all this I am
Blessed am I, spirit am I
I am the infinite within my soul
I have no beginning and I have no end
all this I am

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What I Wish to Enjoy

Today Jamie Ridler asks the question:
     What do you wish to enjoy?

I wish to enjoy meaningful friendships with other women. In my life close friendships and time spent with other women, scratch that, other like-minded women with similar interests is very important. The need to just sit and sip tea and talk about life with a common interest and enthusiasm, and to have the comfort with each other to allow total informality. To go on mini-adventures together, laugh about our sagging boobs and graying hairs, reassure each other how hot we still are while shopping in the mall with all of those youngins, LOL!

I do believe I don't always allow myself to be totally open and available but, I also have had a hard time allowing myself to meet new and different people. There are a lot of like minded folks out in my community that are my age or so whom I know I would enjoy getting to know but then that fear of rejection or fear of  being mis-understood creeps in. I spend too much time allowing people who just don't get me to speak into my life/world their views and understandings that often clash with my own. Which leaves me feeling inadequate and odd.

I allow myself from this point on to be happy in my skin and open and available to make new friends, meet new people and lead new adventures.

light and love