Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Greetings,

I am currently in a place of change and readjustment.

My youngest daughter and her daughter (my beautiful grandbaby) finally moved into their own apartment. I  am so proud of her! She has a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment, working and starting school very soon. All as a single mom which is amazing in and of itself. Because even though I too were young when I had her and her big sister, I had my husband and we did it all together. She doesn't have that luxury but she does have loving supportive family, amazing friends and extreme confidence and strength.

Which with her big sister living on her own for several years now, puts my husband and I in an empty nest. This is an exciting time because he and I have never lived alone together. We are relishing time alone, having the house the way we left it, LOL and well you know ;-) ... haha Of course we are also scared because what if we don't know what to do with each other in the long run? What if we get bored or even worse, on each other's nerves? So for me I'm focusing on just relaxing into the new "normal" in the house and allowing both of us to explore what's new, what's the same and what we can or want to tweak. Staying in the moment in full awareness of my feelings and allowing him to express himself as well without judgement. It's a process neither of us have experience in. Hopefully we'll get it right.

My HyperMobility Syndrome HMS is well still here of course. I'm living with it, I'm trying to not feel conquered by it.I try to keep it in perspective so many with this are in wheelchairs, crutches living with a lot more than I deal with. So I take the constant pain, discomfort and mobile difficulties at face value. I try to be aware of what I'm doing and how as to not further injure myself or cause major problems/breaks etc. Staying on top of my pain meds is key because when I let too much time pass and the pain sets in then the fatigue becomes horrendous and I struggle doing just about anything. Which I'm starting to realize, triggers a lot of my self doubt and depression which is very new and strange to me. I pride myself on being strong and in charge. I don't ask for help and I don't need it (well that's how I like to see myself). I'm learning it's ok to have help my husband is teaching me this. I am so so very blessed to have him in my life because. I see other  people in relationships or with their loved ones dealing with ailments that aren't "visible" like this, lupus, fibromyalgia and I see that the people in their lives don't believe them, think they're being over dramatic, seeking sympathy. In fact I was one of them who really thought fibromyalgia was maybe just in the brain or something else all together. Now I understand that because I don't look "sick" people think I'm full of it. So I don't really talk about it. If someone notices me in pain, discomfort etc and asks then I tell otherwise, I keep it to myself.

I haven't moved forward with my midwife studies and frankly I'm a little embarrassed about it. When I signed up and got my books/supplies, a coworker was injured and out. That put me working 52+ hours 6days a week! Too tired, sore and irritated to focus on any real studying. So it went on the back burner. Finally starting with this week my normal work schedule has returned. So now I'm focusing on finishing up helping my daughter with her move, getting ready for a visit to Arizona leaving this Saturday and getting my home decluttered and reorganized so that I can focus on me. :-) I was worried that I had lost my interest in pursuing midwifery but I think it was actually just all the stress and not being sure when some normalcy would return to my world. Plus I have yet to make friends other than online with others in the birth world, but I hope to have the time to change that now.

I guess that's about it. One day at a time, re-introducing myself to my world that became so alien to me these past four months.

I hope all are doing well

in peace
Anna

1 comment:

Ila East said...

Congratulations on the empty nest. Everything takes time to get accustomed to. By now you have probably made adjustments and maybe feeling less stressed.