It's Monday.
It's been a very long time since I blogged and right now I feel a draw to sorta journal/chronicle/diary my days.
I have often spoke of my love for birth, and the joy I experienced attending births in the past years including one home birth that really opened up my eyes and put a fire in my heart. Ever since I have chased the idea of becoming a midwife, a wild, home birth supporting midwife with a main focus on educating teen-aged moms.
So I found an online midwifery school, payed my 1st unit tuition, got my books and was even gifted a couple. I started the reading, note taking, adding on fb and twitter other midwifery/doula students and businesses. What excitement to talk about, learn about and even get invited to birth.
but,
I've learned something. I do not enjoy reading/studying ANY of the technical books at all! In fact I find every possible excuse to not even go near them. I'm not joking. Which started an honest and open conversation with myself. Which I'm no stranger to conversations with myself I pretty much hold them daily. I'm 40 years old. Am a full in part time postal employee with health and retirement benefits. I love my job, I love the building I work at and the people I work with. I am very happy there. Do I really want to change careers in a couple of years trying to make it happen on my own? No health insurance, no retirement and starting so late in age? The answer is "not really".
Where does that leave things? Well it leaves me still awaiting the final decision. For the most part I know how I feel. I don't want to feel like a failure or that I abandoned this idea for the wrong reasons. I'm also playing around with the idea of going another way with it. Become a birth and postpartum doula, lactation educator and birth educator focused on young parents. Give back to my community to those whom I can identify with because I was once 16 and pregnant.
It feels good to be in a place in my life I can just stop, review my circumstances, be honest with ME and then follow through on to the next step in my path without guilt, shame or what if's! I swear that as I get older I think less and less about what others think and keep it moving and I love it! <3
There are other places in my life mainly spirituality/beliefs that I still struggle with being able to be open and honest in the world with. It sucks at times but I'm comfortable in my own skin and am thankful to have a loving network of like minded folks who are there for me. :-)
My hypermobility syndrome joint pain has been increasing and my joints behaving very badly often trying or actually popping out. I haven't had any big falls or breaks thank goodness and I try to be extra cautious about how I move and react when they do behave badly. I am totally looking forward to my appointment next month with my rheumatologist hoping for some x-rays and work up to see how my joints and arthritis is faring thus far.
Also on a medical note. One of my lymph nodes in my right armpit swelled painfully. Which became a cause for alarm with all of the breast cancer around me. I called my doctor and made an appointment. But a couple days before the swelling and pain disappeared. I called my doctor to see if I should still go in because I really didn't feel like paying my copay if I didn't really need to. She suggested that if I'm really stressed/worried I should go ahead and come in. I wasn't. If not just keep an eye on it if it comes back, get my keester back in asap. I agreed with her suggestions and just leaving it at that for now.
I hope all are well :-) light love and blessings to you all
me
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