Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Waiting on the A-Ha!

This week has been one of my most painful weeks yet, with yesterday and today being the worse. It's starting to wear on my nerves and I'm having those thoughts of quitting my job. Is my body/quality of life worth the very good pay I get? (And did I mention it's only Tuesday?). I have neck pain, shoulder pain, pain up and down my spine, my wrists, hands, fingers, arms, shoulders (especially the right that has now started clicking - great), hips, lower back, knees, ankles and feet. The joints are in an uproar now that I do pretty much ALL heavy lifting or repetitive lifting/throwing of parcels at work everyday.

There's always the trade off of working the afternoons and not having to do the breakdown from the trucks but I DESPISE that idea more than my family does. I've always loved being able to come home early in the day and get things done and spend time with my loved ones. When I close I feel I miss so much because that is the time of day they are here and lively.

I already know what my rheumatologist thinks... STOP doing that job there's no way of getting out of what you do while there. Of course she totally understands that I can't just leave without a backup plan. Therefore she tries to keep me well covered to manage pain. I just hate it.

The thoughts of becoming a doula and/or a midwife often dance just out of reach because I would love it and  I have all of these ideas of how I would apply it and give back to my community (the teenage mother community I was once a part of). But then the fears of coming up with the extra $$, whether or not I would SUCK at managing my own business, etc seep in and I file it in the back of my brain in the file cabinet to the left of the one that's covered in dust and cobwebs filled with dreams long lost and gone forever. The one to the left has those dreams I still consider obtainable like raising goats and chickens, moving to a larger piece of land and having solar panels on my home. :-)

so now I'm waiting on my breaking point ... my a-HA moment as Oprah would call it that gives me the boost I need. I just hope I'm ready when that time comes.

peace and love <3
Anna

4 comments:

Phoenix said...

It breaks my heart to hear that you are in so much pain. I wish I could wave a magic wand and cure you of all your aches and pains.

As for your dream, sounds like all you need is someone with business experience to help you write up a business plan to get funding and then offer support as a silent/on the side business manager!

Jpar68 said...

I am so sorry to hear how much pain you are in. Something I have learned about illness is that it is actually a Dis-ease somewhere in our Mind, Body or Spirit. When we find where that dis-ease is we can begin to fix it and heal. I know that might not help with the pain today but continue to grow and learn and you will become painless! About you dreams, I believe you can do whatever you put your mind to..you are an amazing women!!! So remember to shoot for the Moon and if you were to fall you will at least Land among the STARS!!!! Love, healing and blessings to you! Janet Parker

Anna said...

Thanks Phoenix and Janet.. I think what my feeling is lately, is that I don't feel anyone is truly helping me doctor wise I want them to either say let's figure this out and go from there, or... say this is what it is pain is a symptom there's no fixing it but we can help you with maintenance. :)

I am trying to feel confident about the things I dream about. I think too there's always that nagging inside that my "job" is mainly to be a mom, mother, nurturer, that kind of thing. Not realizing I can be all of those things outside of my home to/with others.

Dia said...

Blessings - Anna
What sweet dreams/ I hope you are able to manifest the ones that truely call you!

In my journey as a Massage Therapist, I've met so many folks with chronic pain, which I can help ease (usually) ... but it's such a journey of trying to find answers!!
A couple of years ago, my grown daughter's best friend convinced her to get DNA testing for gluten intolerance, & we found we had the genes - & dropped the gluten (plus several other foods that were triggers for each of us) ...

Athritis is one of MANY chronic dis-eases often eased/ shifted by the elimination of gluten - http://www.celiac.com/articles/85/1/Arthritis-and-Celiac-Disease/Page1.html - in our family, the 'issues' were more brain fog, very petit (my 11 year old granddaghter) hyper behavior (the 6 year old - they were 9 & 4 when we went GF) migraines, chronic anxiety & skin problems (daughter) excess weight, brain fog, anxiety (me) ... one thing gluten does is interfere with proper absorption of Vit D & minerals (inc. Calcium & Magnesium) so health problems linked to those deficiencs often manifest ..,
Without clear 'gut' symptoms, docs often miss even thinking about gluten issues, tho there's more & more positive movement, as more & more PEOPLE take the steps themselves - the most common reaction is even those of us who aren't 'sick' realize we've never felt better, now we're off the toxin!!

I wish you well on your journey - & hope for you that you find help in unexpected places!

Blessings on your day