Happy Samhain Everyone!

Hello!

Blessed Samhain & Happy Halloween!

It's my favorite time of year. This year we're pretty much doing the usual. Giving out candy & feasting. Taking grandbaby out for the 1st time to trick-or-treating.

I will be the very adorable witch as always :-) sipping on witches brew... which is a wine of the same name. It's delicious.

After the festivities, hoping we can boot our children out of here to relax, watch any scary stuff on t.v. until bedtime. Hubby & I have to work in the morning. Yeah... we party hardcore! ;-)

Tomorrow we'll put up an altar for our loved ones in celebration of Dia de los muertos. I love honoring & welcoming our loved ones passed to continue guiding us. Plus we celebrate their lives, what they meant to us & how blessed we are to have experienced them. <3

Blessings of light & love to you all
Me :-)

What do I wish to reflect on? WW

Good Wishcasting Wednesday :-) 
http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/wishcasting-wednesday-what-do-you-wish-to-reflect-on (please join in!)

Today's question: 

What do I wish to reflect on?

hmmmm let's just say a LOT! But that being said I will make this as short as possible.

I would love to reflect on my current life space and experience. Where I am now and what led me here. I would love to reflect on (and will) my marriage. Why it works so well, how did we get in this space and how to make sure it continues. So blessed with an amazing marriage and husband.

I would love to reflect on what in my life's experiences put me in a place where I struggle opening up to people. Why don't I share my deepest worries and concerns to share with a trusted friend who can possibly offer further insight and different angles as I try to resolve any issues. I know it's partly because I've created a friend environment that allows them to be open and honest with me and I take great pride in being a good listener and easy to talk to. But I'm not comfortable being a good talker and sharer. Which hinders my friendships.

I would love to reflect on my relationships with my daughters. What have I taught or given them during the process of raising them and loving them. Did I treat them with respect, honor and as humans not children that I have to control? It's important to me to assist them in building self confidence and love for themselves. Have I done that? If so, how and is it possible to help convey how to do the same to others? Especially my daughters as they begin to Mother.

I would love to reflect on my current status of self love. Where is it now? Am I being honest with myself when I say I love myself, I'm happy with who I am etc? I want to take the time to reflect on the words and what do they mean to me. How do I know if I'm being honest and if not what should I do to get where I want to be.

Oh so many things to reflect on. I'm so thankful to Jamie for this weeks question and thankful that I looked it up to participate today. Now I can reflect on what's important to me and take the necessary steps to get where I want and need to be to continue growing.

enjoy your day

As you wish, I joyfully wish for you as well.

Peace and Light
Me :-)

Hello and Merry Monday to you all!

Brrr... it's chilly around here, Fall is tip-toeing in and I couldn't be more happier! It's a revival for my soul. The crisp days and nights, fall leaves/colors, pumpkins, apples, baking, cider, sweaters and cuddling to stay warm on the couch with my honey <3

Was able to get my daughter schooling paid and signed up and she's going to have a difficult six weeks being a single mommy. Classes are Monday-Friday 8am-2:30pm and some days she will work 5:30pm-10pm afterwards. Those six weeks also include her clinicals and testing. But I told her just make it through the six weeks lean on family as much as possible we're prepared and willing and she will reap great rewards once finished and she finds that new job! A very good friend of her's Mother is a supervisor (I'm not sure what unit) at a local hospital and told her to contact her once she's finished! So I have high hopes and am very excited for the path she's going down.

Sunday we went to my Father's home to celebrate September birthdays. He grilled up some yummies and made delicious sides :-) My mom came and my aunt which was nice. I love that even though our parents are divorced (now 13 years) we still can gather as a family including my stepmom and 1/2 siblings (I don't use that term because they are just my siblings to me, but just to clarify the situation). Though I think it difficult for those of us who grew up in the house and my mom to see some areas of the house in what we consider a mess. I guess it's up to who you are and how you see it. My stepmom is a hoarder and unfortunately it has taken over the once beautiful formal dining room we grew up with and you can't get in it at all. So we just pretend to not notice as we don't live there anymore and that's between her and my father. But we had a blast and sang and ate cupcakes and laughed laughed laughed. The only mistake I made was the trampoline which at the time I loved loved loved! But a person with my joint condition should NEVER trampoline jump and I'm STILL paying for it (ouch!!) oh well I'm still actually considering getting one for our backyard.

Came home watched my shows last night: Long Island Medium and Real Housewives of New Jersey (no I'm  not ashamed of my love for reality shows). Went to bed and did not sleep AT ALL!! O_o which totally sucked.

Went to work was BURIED in mail (it was a hot mess for us today) but we worked our arse off and got it all done! My postmaster had to help out but that's ok, it's good for him. Until he complained about breaking 1-bead of sweat! (whatever). I found it terribly distressing that the coworker that chaffs my arse because she does NOT do her job pretty much 93% (no joke) of the time. She sees nothing through just work 1/2 done, 1/2 cleaned up and 1/2 worked in piles all over the damn place. I spent a portion of my morning cleaning up, going through and finishing her crap from last week! I've tried the complain, confront, alerting higher ups and mild threats. The mild threats kinda work for a week then ... back to the old. No one holds her to it, no one writes her up and if they do confront her she gets an attitude that they don't want to deal with. I swear they chock it up to her being moody and having adhd. I get it, she has meds, it's a choice I watch her make on a regular basis to NOT do her work, she knows eventually someone will do it, can't let mail just sit. It's irritating.

So now this week's agenda includes: a viewing in the man cave with my honey of Monty Python's Holy Grail! Probably a couple runs to our favorite movie theater, Brisk afternoon walks on the trails :-) crocheting mats for the local human society animal cages and Sunday we're going to the apple orchard!

peace and love to you all :-)

me!

Life catch up and a-ha! moment :-)

It's Thursday Sept 6, 2012 and it's been a long while since I've visited my dear sweet blog. I often think of it and at times dream of running and typing up my rant of the moment. But I hesitate and get distracted by shiny things flittering by.

Today I'm sitting here because right now if it involves sitting, I'm in.

Woke up to a text from my coworker that she was not feeling well and will not be in to help me sort the mail from the trucks this morning. I felt a quiver of fear and concern and right before releasing a great big "dammit!" sigh. I sent her a text back telling her it was no prob, thanks for the heads up and get well soon. Quickly I got dressed, tried to brush my currently completely unruly hair (it really looked not much different than when I woke up), grabbed my bowl, spoon, 2packets of raisin n spice oatmeal and skidaddled to the post office. It's still dark as night at 4:30am around here and the town is fast asleep. It takes about 5 minutes (seriously) for what during the middle of the day takes 15 minutes to get there. Upon pulling into the parking lot, I thought I saw a raccoon lumber onto our dock and hurried out of the car to take an instagram (I'm obsessed) but upon closer look I realized it was a cute kitty that didn't allow me to get too close and my picture that was going to be titled "Postal Parking Lot Kitty" was more like "Fuzzy strange glowing eyes in the darkness" or "what the hell is that?" lol so it didn't make it as my 1st instagram of the day.

Our mail volume was the usual. So I took my pain meds, warmed up my oatmeal and cracked open a bottle of water. Put 99.1 Wfmk on the radio, turned on the ceiling fans, and got to work. Sweat pouring and singing/dancing around at a swift pace I was able to get it all done and was in fact ahead by the time the carriers started showing up 2 hours later. What I learned was that except for Mondays and days following holidays, I can do the mail sort all by myself (though it would seriously kill me physically because I am whipped!) and that the carriers can count on me to not hold them up in the event that the other morning clerk is unable to come to work and that feels good! :-)

After work I had some running to do. Picked up our oldest daughter, stopped at our house at my left over riblets from Applebee's from said daughter's birthday late night dinner with family the night before. Then we drove out to a mall where she just got a job with a portrait studio (yay my $$ on tuition for New York Institute of Photography is paying off as they were ecstatic at her knowledge and experience) to get paperwork finished (her car's out of commission at the moment) then they sent us back into town to our bank to get paperwork for direct deposit, went back to the mall (in between stopped for gas and hit up Grand Traverse Pie Co. for big-ass rice krispy treats - yum!), then to Biggby (coffee!!) and back home. It took all of the remainder of the morning and I'm already working on very little energy remaining. Wish I could stop and pump in energy like I do my car....hmmmm.

Once home got to work on the phone and computer to get information set up with a small loan from my bank (just 6months will pay off much earlier though) to help with tuition costs for our youngest daughter. Got it all squared away and ready to pick up tomorrow morning (yay!) then called the school and set up intake for after leaving bank tomorrow to get her signed up and her schooling starts in October!! I'm so so so very excited for both of our daughters they are phenomenal confident women and I truly enjoy just being a part of their world and adventures as they create and recreate their life paths. <3

Have been on grandbaby duty all week while youngest daughter works and will have her again this evening... I pray she hasn't had a nap and the 2 of us can go in my room, put on a boring movie or show, the fan and snooze away! But not before I run to pharmacy to get my meds refill and pick up a few items. Plus I need to change kitty litter boxes as my handsome hubby is still healing from a minor surgery he had last week and really shouldn't lift the heavy bags. Poor guy it's killing him, he hates not being able to do things himself and worse having me do it, which I don't mind, but he just loves to do things for me, take care of me. I'm truly blessed with this man! :-)

**Friday Sept 7 2012 (I was distracted and didn't finish, lol)

In other news. I've found my own little like-minded lil sisterhood tribe to gather with and I'm loving it. We're still in the very very very early stages of getting to know and trust each other but it comes easy with these women and I feel blessed.

I hope this will help me come out and trust people more I still struggle a LOT sharing with anyone other than my husband and daughters. It's my own fault that I don't have that super close girlfriend I crave because I'm just not in a place yet where I can feel comfortable trusting. I watched a wonderful episode of Super Soul Sunday on OWN (Oprah's network) for the Life Class show. She had Ilyana Vanzant on and they were discussing with the audience how and why women hurt each other. I have my entire life watched women whisper lie and gossip about each other behind the backs of their family and friends and I'm not saying I've never been a part of that because I have. But this show changed my perspective and woke me up to  the real problem that exists out there. Women need close bonds with other women. We still have close bonds with other women even though there's a lot of behind the scenes talking going on. I want to have a more authentic relationship with the women in my life. I think there's a lot of power in the bond and even more so if it's based on openness and honesty.

so the work begins

hope all are well
blessings of love and light

me.

mmm a little work rant

Hello :-)

What a day. It started with smile at 4am as I rose for work. Mondays are a very heavy volume day so you have to start in a good place. I got to work on time, one of the other coworkers was there when I got there. Unfortunately the 3rd one wasn't yet and that's how things started to turn sour for me.

Saturday who ever works and closes knows because I say it over and over and over again how important it is to make sure that all is taken care of, finished and set up for Monday morning because whoever is opening have a LOT to do and it's stressful to have to clean up from Saturday a much slower day where it is easy to get everything done and set up. For this reason I do not leave Saturdays until the place is in tip-top shape because I don't want the stress for myself on Monday and if I'm off, not for anyone else either.

So imagine how pissed unhappy I was to walk into a catastrophe on top of a shit-ton of mail! :-/ And the person responsible hadn't showed up yet because they moseyed in 20 minutes late? Yes I was a little toasty and well. I sorta let them have it. In the most non-threatening way I could. I'm very good at pointing out what should have happened and asking what did happen to get an idea without sounding like I'm jumping your arse, but I was. I really really was. I pretty much stated how stressful it is to come into a completely unorganized mess with a lot of stuff not finished or put away and clearly not worked now delayed mail. It looks bad on our office, our boss and yes you as an individual who has been here many years and knows exactly what needs to be done. Unfortunately I know the real reason why it wasn't done. This person will not do anything unless you are following them around constantly reminding them and cleaning up after them. In fact my boss just assumes we're all cool with just cleaning up after this person to save him from having to constantly talk to them about what they do or don't do and how this person should know what is expected. Later I talked to my boss after a tiring morning of doing most of the work and constantly re-directing this coworker who has at least 5 years on me doing this job. (grr). yes I'm still a little hot. I told him I'm getting very tired of this vicious cycle, nothing's being done about it though I'm constantly being told they're trying to get this person to "get it" and that I don't get paid to be a supervisor so I shouldn't have to. But if I don't a lot doesn't get done or get's done incorrectly and all of us get "talked" to about it/reprimanded instead of going straight to the source.

He offered to buy me breakfast everyday. In other words. He joked about it and threw his hands up in the air he hasn't a clue what to do.

I have a list of what he can do. It starts with letters of warnings etc followed by suspensions if no change and then the ultimate. Had he done this years ago, his life wouldn't be so stressful. He too said he's really getting worn out with having to go behind and fix things etc. He hasn't a clue what I go through all day finding and sorting through random piles of mail forgotten or mishandled.

ok

I am about finished with my vent I think.

grrrr ugh ... grr!

;-)

Affirmation: “I handle difficult situation with calm endurance”


Peace and love
me

Durga Goddess of Strength

Weekend off :-) yay!

WEEKEND OFF!!

Oh yes thanks to the new rotating Saturday's off I have a 2 day weekend! Woot-woot! So far I've done a lot of not much (amen to that). Watched several movies and series episodes on Netflix. That Netflix is a God-Send! Kinda sorta cleaned (yeah right). Hung out with my handsome loving hubby, my hilarious daughters and their friends, the grandbaby of my dreams!! Really she's amazing :-) Grandbaby and I watched part of a Deadmau5 concert on Netflix, had a mini-rave and she was awesome. She has impeccable rhythm/timing, loves music and singing. She was bouncing and dancing and added vocals to the beats. Grandma was quite proud. Next time I'll get us some glow stick bracelets and head bands, do it up right!

Saw Ted in Theaters today, it was raunchy, inappropriate and completely worth it! I'm not sure everyone in the theater were prepared for Seth MacFarlane's humor as I heard a lot of "what?" and "omg" type comments and snarks. Lighten up people. I guess it pays to at least KNOW what type of humor the person that made the movie has before you go see it. Because if you are easily offended, you too will huff and sigh in between uncomfortable giggles that slip out beyond your control.

Had a run on Ravelry finding fun possible crochet projects. Right now I started a pattern aptly called The Easiest Crochet Shawl Recipe :-) using a skein of leftover black yarn :-) I have a bunch more in my que but I am easily distracted when it comes to crochet projects so 1 at a time. I will post a picture of it when I'm finished! Oh and if you like yarn crafts and haven't joined Ravelry yet, what are you waiting for? Get on it! There is EVERYTHING and many many many FREE patterns!

I've also made a final decision on my next 2 tattoos! 1st I'm getting a shoulder cap or something like that. It will be a spread of Maple leaves my astrological tree and in the center a spiral goddess probably blue or purple I think. I'm so excited for this one! Next I really want a peace sign painted rainbow style on my back. That will bring me up to 6 tattoos. I have a few more I know I want for sure but am still working on the design.

I hope all are doing well and enjoying the weekend

Peace and Light to you all
me

Finding common ground

Hello and good Thursday.


It's a scorcher around these parts, hit 102 degrees F so I've only been outside to go to and from buildings to vehicles. My personal vehicle does not have air conditioning in it, so it remained parked for the majority of the day.


Have been battling a migraine for the past few days which I'm new at. I don't know if it's OK to take the Advil Migraine medicine along with my tramadol and muscle relaxer. But when the pain gets bad enough I just do it so that I can work and function. My life doesn't come to a stand still, I haven't allowed myself the luxury of locking myself in my room to recuperate. Mainly because I just don't know how this migraine business works. I must say I do not like nor understand the nausea that comes with it.


As most know I am African American and Pagan. Which where I live I've met 2 other people who are the same and I never see them at any gatherings or events. I would love very much to meet others and to learn about how they came to their beliefs etc. Luckily thanks to StumbleUpon I found a blog called Black Pagan which lead me through his posts to two other blogs: Black Witch and The Life of an African American Wiccan. I am excited to learn about and from others who may have some understandings based on upbringing and life experiences my experiences. It is difficult at times being mostly in the broom-closet as family is concerned. Family meaning not my DH, our children or my MIL who all know and are like minded themselves. 


Often I find that I am disheartened at the lack of African-American representation in most anything I find online or in New Age stores. I would love to see depictions of faeries with brown skin as well as other beings. Of course there are many Gods and Goddesses with Oya being my favorite represented. The need to see a likeness, to recognize features that are dominant in my world is important I feel. 


I don't say this to say I have problems with any depictions of any God, Goddess or magickal being in any other ethnic representation. I love celebrating  Mother Earth, the Universe and the Spirit that is Love that guides and supports us all. I love the differences as well the common aspects of all and am thankful that I am on the path I am on today. Maybe it's a lesson I need to work on. To seek out and learn more about the Pagan cultures of different ethnicity that I feel I am lacking information in. 


That was easy to come to.


It's always nice to type it out here, wrap my brain around it and then hash it out. Of course I truly appreciate all feedback and thank you readers.


in peace and love
me

Wishcasting Wednesday: What is your heart's wish?

Wishcasting Wednesday 

do join in!

This is a very difficult one it's hard to focus on my heart's wish without my head jumping in and influencing the answer. But I'll give it a try.

My heart's wish is for peace and harmony, easy days & nights, romance & joy.

Of course there are many specific items and ideas within those wishes to make them happen and that would take a lot of typing. I'm happy to recognize when I'm in any of those moments and fortunate that it is often. :-)

As you all wish for yourself, I happily wish for you as well

in peace and light
me

When creating my day goes wrong

I started my day picturing it one way and well it took a whole other path. First work: It started as usual. Then a call from the main building telling us our mail would be late. Well the letter mail. Was 1 hour late (which is a lot) and I had 6 trays (12 feet) of letters to sort manually to the carriers. It's usually 2-4 trays and on Tuesday barely 2 trays. Needless to say my hands and shoulders were shot after that.

Came home and just wanted peace and quiet and maybe a few episodes of Game of Thrones along with last night's True Blood. But my daughters had other plans. Spent the day here making me laugh, making a mess and well making our day. We love them and love time spent but it definitely took away my rest and relaxation time. Thankful for how close we are but I tell you at times I just want those quiet moments.

I recognize the importance of being flexible and open to change. Change is the normal flow of life and it's pointless to fight it or fret over it. My stress levels are practically non-existent and peace is accomplished with just a few short breaths now that I get it. Simplicity is key. Don't over think all situations. Things are how they are because they are how they are. I'm good with that.

In other news I've lost all interest in cooking EVER, lol! Hubby and I have had over embellished delicious salads for dinner tonight. My daughter's kept asking "what are you cooking?" To which I replied "nothing." My oldest decided to join and made a huge salad and my youngest went home and picked up a pizza. See? Simple. I'm sure I will pick up the cooking bug again soon. I'm in the process of trying new recipes and changing up our meal rotations. It was more difficult with the tastes of both daughters to factor into meals. Now it's just us two old farts who love to eat just about anything or at least try anything. Only difference is he loves seafood and I despise it. Maybe he will have to build up his cooking skills where seafood is concerned.

It's late and my alarm goes off in less than 5 hours. Nothing new about that, because that's usually when I'm finally getting to bed. 4 hours of sleep allows me to get out of bed rather easy as opposed to 5 or more hours which puts me in a bad joint situation.

Peace and light to you all
me

Video Meditation: Om Mani Padme Hum

Catch up. Midwifery, HMS and lymph nodes

It's Monday.

It's been a very long time since I blogged and right now I feel a draw to sorta journal/chronicle/diary my days.

I have often spoke of my love for birth, and the joy I experienced attending births in the past years including one home birth that really opened up my eyes and put a fire in my heart. Ever since I have chased the idea of becoming a midwife, a wild, home birth supporting midwife with a main focus on educating teen-aged moms.

So I found an online midwifery school, payed my 1st unit tuition, got my books and was even gifted a couple. I started the reading, note taking, adding on fb and twitter other midwifery/doula students and businesses. What excitement to talk about, learn about and even get invited to birth.

but,

I've learned something. I do not enjoy reading/studying ANY of the technical books at all! In fact I find every possible excuse to not even go near them. I'm not joking. Which started an honest and open conversation with myself. Which I'm no stranger to conversations with myself I pretty much hold them daily. I'm 40 years old. Am a full in part time postal employee with health and retirement benefits. I love my job, I love the building I work at and the people I work with. I am very happy there. Do I really want to change careers in a couple of years trying to make it happen on my own? No health insurance, no retirement and starting so late in age? The answer is "not really".

Where does that leave things? Well it leaves me still awaiting the final decision. For the most part I know how I feel. I don't want to feel like a failure or that I abandoned this idea for the wrong reasons. I'm also playing around with the idea of going another way with it. Become a birth and postpartum doula, lactation educator and birth educator focused on young parents. Give back to my community to those whom I can identify with because I was once 16 and pregnant.

It feels good to be in a place in my life I can just stop, review my circumstances, be honest with ME and then follow through on to the next step in my path without guilt, shame or what if's! I swear that as I get older I think less and less about what others think and keep it moving and I love it! <3

There are other places in my life mainly spirituality/beliefs that I still struggle with being able to be open and honest in the world with. It sucks at times but I'm comfortable in my own skin and am thankful to have a loving network of like minded folks who are there for me. :-)

My hypermobility syndrome joint pain has been increasing and my joints behaving very badly often trying or actually popping out. I haven't had any big falls or breaks thank goodness and I try to be extra cautious about how I move and react when they do behave badly. I am totally looking forward to my appointment next month with my rheumatologist hoping for some x-rays and work up to see how my joints and arthritis is faring thus far.

Also on a medical note. One of my lymph nodes in my right armpit swelled painfully. Which became a cause for alarm with all of the breast cancer around me. I called my doctor and made an appointment. But a couple days before the swelling and pain disappeared. I called my doctor to see if I should still go in because I really didn't feel like paying my copay if I didn't really need to. She suggested that if I'm really stressed/worried I should go ahead and come in. I wasn't. If not just keep an eye on it if it comes back, get my keester back in asap. I agreed with her suggestions and just leaving it at that for now.

I hope all are well :-) light love and blessings to you all
me

Wishcasting Wednesday: Walking Away

It feels good to return to Wishcasting Wednesday!

Today Jamie Ridler asks

      "What do you wish to walk away from?"

I wish to walk away from joint pain, fatigue and limited movement.

I wish to walk away from relationships that are more work than it should ever take to just stay on an even keel. Or possibly walk away from whatever it is in me that halts the free flow of a loving and trusting relationship with my friends.

I wish to walk away from debt and any unhealthy ties to consumerism.

I wish to walk away from worry and the creepy crawlies that enter my brain from watching the news.

I wish to walk away from those who would harm me on sight and sight alone.

I wish to walk away from any situation, person, place or thing that brings me harm even if it's chipping at me slowly so much so I don't realize it. I wish to have the ability to KNOW immediately what's simply not "right" for me.

I wish to walk away from jealousy and fear. Especially when I allow someone to make me feel inferior to them because apparently their way or life is the better way according to them.

As I wish for myself I wish the same for all of you out there in your wishes :-)

peace and light
Anna

p.s. I wish to walk away from this slow ass netbook and get me a new one, lol!!

Greetings,

I am currently in a place of change and readjustment.

My youngest daughter and her daughter (my beautiful grandbaby) finally moved into their own apartment. I  am so proud of her! She has a beautiful 2 bedroom apartment, working and starting school very soon. All as a single mom which is amazing in and of itself. Because even though I too were young when I had her and her big sister, I had my husband and we did it all together. She doesn't have that luxury but she does have loving supportive family, amazing friends and extreme confidence and strength.

Which with her big sister living on her own for several years now, puts my husband and I in an empty nest. This is an exciting time because he and I have never lived alone together. We are relishing time alone, having the house the way we left it, LOL and well you know ;-) ... haha Of course we are also scared because what if we don't know what to do with each other in the long run? What if we get bored or even worse, on each other's nerves? So for me I'm focusing on just relaxing into the new "normal" in the house and allowing both of us to explore what's new, what's the same and what we can or want to tweak. Staying in the moment in full awareness of my feelings and allowing him to express himself as well without judgement. It's a process neither of us have experience in. Hopefully we'll get it right.

My HyperMobility Syndrome HMS is well still here of course. I'm living with it, I'm trying to not feel conquered by it.I try to keep it in perspective so many with this are in wheelchairs, crutches living with a lot more than I deal with. So I take the constant pain, discomfort and mobile difficulties at face value. I try to be aware of what I'm doing and how as to not further injure myself or cause major problems/breaks etc. Staying on top of my pain meds is key because when I let too much time pass and the pain sets in then the fatigue becomes horrendous and I struggle doing just about anything. Which I'm starting to realize, triggers a lot of my self doubt and depression which is very new and strange to me. I pride myself on being strong and in charge. I don't ask for help and I don't need it (well that's how I like to see myself). I'm learning it's ok to have help my husband is teaching me this. I am so so very blessed to have him in my life because. I see other  people in relationships or with their loved ones dealing with ailments that aren't "visible" like this, lupus, fibromyalgia and I see that the people in their lives don't believe them, think they're being over dramatic, seeking sympathy. In fact I was one of them who really thought fibromyalgia was maybe just in the brain or something else all together. Now I understand that because I don't look "sick" people think I'm full of it. So I don't really talk about it. If someone notices me in pain, discomfort etc and asks then I tell otherwise, I keep it to myself.

I haven't moved forward with my midwife studies and frankly I'm a little embarrassed about it. When I signed up and got my books/supplies, a coworker was injured and out. That put me working 52+ hours 6days a week! Too tired, sore and irritated to focus on any real studying. So it went on the back burner. Finally starting with this week my normal work schedule has returned. So now I'm focusing on finishing up helping my daughter with her move, getting ready for a visit to Arizona leaving this Saturday and getting my home decluttered and reorganized so that I can focus on me. :-) I was worried that I had lost my interest in pursuing midwifery but I think it was actually just all the stress and not being sure when some normalcy would return to my world. Plus I have yet to make friends other than online with others in the birth world, but I hope to have the time to change that now.

I guess that's about it. One day at a time, re-introducing myself to my world that became so alien to me these past four months.

I hope all are doing well

in peace
Anna

f-o-r-t-y!!!

Today I turn 40 on the April Friday the 13th :-) and it's a glorious sunshiny morning thus far! I was able to swing the weekend off (very difficult) and am going away with my handsome hubby and another couple (dear friends of ours) to just celebrate and have a good time!

Aging is a wonderful blessing and culmination of all that I've been through and learned and a look forward what more wonders I will experience. I have yet to hit an age where I've become sad or depressed. I celebrate my gray hairs and laugh lines!! Of course the HMS joints aren't a joy but I'm definitely much more fortunate than many suffering from this same ailment. I can walk, dance and carry my grandbaby around. LIFE IS GOOD!

I love that there is still so much more to love and apply to my understanding. I have been really moving around freely in the "this I believe" content especially in my "religious" or should I say "relig-ish" beliefs or lack of. I still love the term Pagan and I still celebrate the Christian traditions I was raised with. But more and more I recognize and honor the complex and beautiful natural ways of the world we live in, the universe we live in! For me there's still a feel of Divine moving about maybe not in a figure but in an understanding of connection of how the universe works, with which I have great respect and honor for. I don't know it's a work in progress but I find I change, evolve and smile a little more each and every day.

My thoughts on love and the human being has been in constant evolution for about 15 years now. I read a great article with the Genderbread man that really nails it for me because I haven't the words to explain what I see and how I understand. But in short I believe in attraction and love and that humans share that with other humans in so many different ways and  all are good as long as no one is being harmed.

Other than all of my life revelations, things are great. Spring has sprung, my youngest has a move out date (mid May), the bird feeder is in full effect in the backyard (makes my morning to see the birdies and squirrelies play in the yard), I have a full spring/summer planned with charity walks, rallies of different kinds, gatherings with friends, movies movies and more movies, workshops ... just life in abundance.

BUT my studying needs to kick back into full time gear... it's difficult when you work as much as I am now but as soon as May gets hear and our 2 full time clerks are on my schedule will go back to part time and I will not only have more space and quiet in my home but a lot more time to enjoy it! Studying, sacred space and home improvements will return making my home the new haven for 2 and the animals. So many adjustments to be made I know I will miss my daughter and the grandbaby but they are only 5 minutes away by car and I'm sure I will see them regular just like her big sister.

I wish you all peace and joy in all you do
Anna

Need a weekend make-over

Sundays:

My one and only day off each week. Working 8 or more hours each of the other 6 days which does not include sitting down, but lot's of sweat. Ugh! I'm thinking this is why I've lost 20pounds without dieting in the past few months.

This makes Sunday a difficult day. Saturday night I always dream of all that I'm going to get accomplished on Sunday. Dreams of dusting, cleaning, laundry, organizing, yard work, cooking big meals, visiting family and friends, shopping, washing and cleaning out my car, deep meditation, crocheting and studying! But despite my serious plans and list making....95% of it never happens. In fact I end up maybe doing 1-2 loads of laundry, and laying about, never getting dressed in pain and tired. I watch netflix, comcast on demand and dvds...flick channels and snack randomly. I love it because I clearly need it but I hate it because I hate that I haven't the energy.

My close friends and hubby say that I should accept the day as it comes, that I deserve the rest and to listen to my body. Which I fully agree with and would tell anyone else with the same complaints. But this is me and I fancy myself superhuman. I hate to ask for help and never accept it if offered. Something I need to work on.

So how do I go about it? I know the answers just have to know I'm capable without regret or allowing what others think to get into my head. I'm still plagued with what others would think if my house isn't "right" which is laughable to me because I am first to say that's not more important than family/friends time spent...

in other news

I'm scheduled this week to work at LEAST 50 hours...the only good part about it is that I don't have to get up at 4am at all :-) but in just a couple weeks my hours will lower (yay) so I'm hanging in there and using the extra cash to pay up some bills and planning for summer trips.

Hope your weekend was relaxing and fun :-)
Enjoy your week!

in love and peace
Anna

Greetings!

It has been quite a long time. I thought maybe I wa finished blogging, but that apparently isn't the case. Reminding myself WHY I started & not allow fear of people not reading or commenting to consume me. Because that is not important for the purpose of this blog.

What's been going on?

I joined Midwife to be to study Midwifery. I have been lagging on my unit 1 studies, good thing it's self guided, with a hectic work schedule & extra busy household. Having difficulty finding a quiet space. My pledge/promise to myself starting April 1: To create the space & solitude needed. *ohm*

My youngest daughter has qualified fir a housing program for her & my precious grandbaby. The two will probably move out sometime next month to either a house or town house. She's very excited! I am too. I will miss them & the grandbaby, but I happily accept that my daughters are very independent, confident & strong. I like to think I had something to do with that. :) they won't be far & the hubby & I will for the first time as a couple, live alone! We're quite excited about the space & free time. We have a long list of things we would like to do, and it is ON!

My joint pain & arthritis are still kicking my booty, but that's just what it's going to do. Have been looking into some alternative natural cures, not sure what I make of all the claims as of yet. If you're reading this & have suggestions for managing hyper mobile joint syndrome & osteoarthritis, I welcome it.

Have been practicing holding my tongue & my fb comments, lol! I have a hard time seeing what I call the "mommy wars" & "religion wars". All these posts where moms say that they breastfed, homeschooled, no vaccinations, etc & then say if you didn't you're a horrible parent, you're harming your kids etc. etc.... Then the posts that say share this if you love God, if you don't, you love satan...really? Or the proving I'm a good Christian posts...I'm not downing anyone being proud of their parenting skills, ideals & suggestions. Or feeling strongly of their beliefs, I think it's wonderful! But it's not a contest...respect others for what they believe in as long as it harms none :)

Ok gotta go back to work, types on my phone in my car, lol will post more often with do much going on & so much to talk about.

Peace and love
Anna

reading reading reading and taking notes

Currently reading Hearts and Hands which is required reading/studying in my midwifery program. I'm knee deep right now in learning about lab work, technical terms and what to look out for as well as exercise and nutrition. It's not as exciting as the last chapter on baby positions and measuring, but I'm excited to return to the world of "schooling"

Following a zillion sites on face book, stumbling and pinteresting birth as well as twitter and blogs. I'm starting to live and breathe birth, and it's WONDERFUL! I can't wait to be able to get active in the birth community helping women have the birth experience THEY want :-) 

Trying to decide if gardening is in my future for this year. with work and school I'm thinking either join a local CSA, or rely on local farms and farming markets. In the spring/summer it's so easy to fully count on them for all of our nutritional needs, but it becomes more difficult in the winter. Should take on learning how to can and store up for the winter months. That sounds tiring and confusing...already starting to talk myself out of it, lol.

Made my hubby watch Breaking Dawn part 1 like all other Twilight movies he pretended to like it to get on my good side :-) I don't mind playing up on that, he doesn't hurt my feelings. I'm just glad he sat through it, I sit through a lot of his choices and I almost feel bad when I catch myself nodding off and even a little worse when he catches me. But it's that lovely marriage give and take dance the 2 of us do so well. I am so blessed with such a wonderful partner. Now to trick him into having dinner ready when I work late, any suggestions? Hell I wouldn't mind if he bought it and presented it on paper plates!

ok I've babbled long enough

I hope all are well

we are working through the anniversary of the tragic accident and death of 3 wonderful young people including my nephew (not by blood but his mom and I are that close we consider ourselves sisters). Last night I could not sleep and stayed up in bed playing on my phone on facebook and twitter. His mom saw me and we just talked and talked. Last night (early am) was the anniversary of the actual accident when she called me on her way to the hospital and told me to get there she needed me. :-( I miss him so much.

peace and love

me <3

Thursday thoughts

Good Thursday morning :) last night I went to bed about 2:30am knowing I would be able to "sleep in" til 7am. With my joints being so loose all over, when lying down they slip out of place. So the longer I lay there, the more painful my morning is though taking my meds before & strategic pillow placement does help.

Working a traditional "9 to 5 (actually about 5:30 or 6)" at the post office & I'm not looking forward to it, I'm sure to lose steam as the day goes purely out of pain & boredom. I can't wait to devote more of my time & life Midwifery <3

Prayerfully my hubby will take over dinner. Of course I will text him a hint.

Tomorrow I'm thinking off making home made refried beans & chicken/cheese enchiladas will post pics/recipe as I go along!

Light & Love
Me :)

Life catch-up and short rant

Hello :-)

today I'm in a place of struggle. I work with someone who puts me in the position of having to follow behind them and clean up their piles, do their work, which in turn postpones mine. The problem is I've discussed this with our boss time after time and well either what he's doing isn't working or he's just not doing anything at all. Meanwhile if I don't tackle the things not getting done, we are reprimanded together for it. Which really pisses me off. I guess he's trying to be diplomatic and not pointing fingers directly but I say enough is enough it's time to call it like it is and let this person know they are the ones. What's worse is it's starting to put me in a position where I'm sorta reprimanding her myself and well I simply don't get paid to do that.

In other news I've officially signed up for my midwifery course, have a few books, waiting on a couple more to really delve into my studying and work. I'm looking forward to it. I've emailed a local birthing center for volunteer/apprentice opportunities and put the word out that I want to attend births and maybe some folks should just get pregnant to help me out, lol ;-)

Grandbaby is growing by leaps and bounds. Will be 1year old on St Patty's we're trying to find a bday venue to fit everyone...grr. She's standing on her own, walking with her push toy, but not quite on her own yet, she doesn't fully trust it though she tries once in a while. She's imitating our words and have figured out what some mean and use them properly. she loves books, she will bring them to us to read and at times "reads" them to herself. Which fills me with joy. Her mommy is doing wonderful and I'm very proud of her.

My oldest is still in her photography program and doing well. She's still teaching dance and I'm not sure if she'll ever walk away from that job, she loves the little kids so much.

Hubby and I are doing well, we both want very much to live healthier so that we can enjoy life more and longer together. So we're watching our home cooked meals and improving daily. He's into his video games and taking me to movies mostly when he's not working on other computers for folks around town.

My pain/fatigue are still very much a part of my life and I've made peace with the fact that that is my lifetime reality. Hyper mobile joints, arthritis and degeneration aren't something I can stop but I can learn to manage it and slow the process. Movement is key and strengthening the muscles supporting the joints to help them stay in place as much as possible. My doctor took me off of my arthritis med thank goodness, though I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had already taken myself off of it. Her concern as well as mines, is that it attacks the kidneys a little every time I take it as well as cause tummy discomfort, etc. So since my pain med/muscle relaxer both work well, don't cause tummy issues and are working fine at their low doses, I'm good to go.

I think that's pretty much a good catch up. Not reading anything other than birth books right now though I do have sitting here on my next To Be Read (TBR) pile "A Discovery of Witches" by Deborah Harkness has anyone read it?

Light and Love to you all
Anna :-)

ps need a new look... where's a good place to check out templates for this blog??

Full Moon Blessings

Good Monday & Happy Full Moon in Cancer. :) I'm making a quick post on my mobile phone (cool).

Today my intentions in celebrating this moon are focused on moving forward with my decision to study Midwifery. Allowing balance with my family life, social life & current job.

I am thankful for the surge of confidence & renewal the new year has brought for not only myself, but for many. I can see & feel the shift in my life & those surrounding me.

Blessings to you all
Me :)

PBP: Altars

Altar

Goddess Flower symbol I carved into my pumpkin

Samhain 2010 That was also a part of my altar.

Merriam-Webster's 2nd definition of Altar reads as follows: A table on which the eucharistic elements are consecrated or which serves as a center of worship or ritual. 

My first experience with altar's started when I was very young in the Southern-Baptist church I grew up in. Our Pastor would bless the anointing oil for healing placed on the table/altar with beautiful candles and fake flowers. Also consecrated were the wafers and juice for communion and the tithes and offerings that all may prosper.

Of course as you can tell my beliefs have changed over the years but still altars are an important part of my day. For me altars are a focus point and a reminder. When loved ones are ill or passing we keep one table to light candles to focus our thoughts and energies on in their name. Another in the kitchen to focus thoughts on the health and well being of my family and friends as we nourish our bodies and gather to break bread.  

Often I assemble one quickly for special purposes:

                                                from the simple

Veteran's Day

to the elaborate

Special celebrations with friends

Unfortunately we don't live where altar's and rituals can be a part of my outside life without them being a little disguised. Which is why I take full advantage inside whenever possible. 

I know that many have blue prints and plans on how the altar should be set up. Where you place water, salt, varying candles, wands, athames, statues, etc. I won't go into deep explanation here because it's easily found in books and all over the internet. My purpose in this post is to discuss simply their function in my life. Upon finding my way to earth-based spirituality I read the books, I gathered and studied with other Pagan folk. Adhering tightly to the altar guidelines for each ritual type. Eventually I realized that those guidelines were simply that. A way to help me focus and understand the reason for an altar is to simply put me in a place mentally where I can relax, connect with spirit and focus my energies to work in kind with the Universe. Eventually you learn to tap into that level of consciousness on your own with practice. You start to see your altars becoming smaller and less extravagant, at times just 1 item or just thought and visualization.

Finally one of my favorite altars to share with my children:

my daughters 21st birthday cake

The Birthday cake! We gather around with loved ones, lights out, candles lit and a room full of love and joy. :-) We sing of happiness and blessings and then stand in silence and anticipation as you make a wish. Focusing all of your energy, taking your time and then blowing the candles out. The wind/breath from inside of your body filled with your intention flow over and meet up with the candles/fire burning building up energy and with that puff of breath...... your powerful wish is released into the universe!

Just typing this post today makes me want to set up another altar somewhere in this house, maybe a quick walk-by with a candle, matches and oil for those quick moments of silence during a hectic day.

Many blessings of love and light to you all

Anna 

Wishcasting Wednesday - Making Peace

This week's Wishcasting Wednesday asks: What or whom do you wish to make peace with?

I'm willing to bet many have the same answer. I wish to make peace with ME

I am my own worse distraction, down talker and even hater. Whenever I feel inadequate in comparison to others, it's not because someone has said things to make me feel or think that way, it's because of my perception of what I think they are thinking/feeling.  Whenever I choose to not go forward with an interest, dream or adventure, it's due to my own personal fears that start asking "what if...?" and once that starts I turn with my tail in between my legs and tip toe away.

I need to make peace with who I am, what I feel, what I want and what I need. It's ok to have dreams... it's even better to pursue them.

Here's to raising the energy needed to overcome and live in the moment. :-)

thanks for reading!

As you wish for yourself, I joyfully wish for you as well.

peace and love <3
Anna